Completely Off Topic

Because of family feuds completely unrelated to me we are not having a big family gathering this year for Thanksgiving.  As I enjoy a quiet Sunday morning with a cup of coffee and season 5 of 'Friends' on DVD I'm struck more than ever with relief about this fact.

I need to disclaim that I truly do love my family.  They are a colorful list of characters (as am I, obviously) but I truly do feel affection for nearly all of them.  For the most part we get along (before mentioned feud aside) and, while dysfunctions abound, we normally get together several times a year and enjoy each other's company.  This is no easy feat, as my mom is one of eight (six living) and so there is a seemingly endless amount of aunts, uncles, and cousins.  I joke that we're really a small tribe.

However, there is one thing that never fails to cause me an enormous amount of stress (and I'll admit here that most of this stress is internal and related to my obsessive compulsive habit of overthinking EVERYTHING): the family prayer.

My family is made up of a motley crew of Christian beliefs.  There are some church-on-the-occasional-Sunday-and-Christmas-and-Easter Christians.  There are more fundamentalist Christians.  Some are elders of their churches.  Anyway, the obvious point is that my atheist family is in the extreme minority.  And, really, that's okay.  Anyone who is an atheist in America, particularly in the Midwest, understands that they are a minority.  You deal with it.  I tend not to think of someone as Aunt Millie Christian and I assume they don't think of me as Cousin Sasha Atheist.

However, this all goes out the window when it's time for the blessing.

For several years we had gatherings at an aunt and uncle's house.  My uncle would lead a prayer while everyone stood in a circle around the food, holding hands.  As I was a guest in their house I complied, even though I felt uncomfortable.

Now, I understand that most Christians will not understand my discomfort.  I also understand that other people who are religious minorities might not feel the same way as I do.  However, *I* find prayers to be awkward.  I don't care if other people pray, I just don't like to feel obligated to participate.

Then we moved our gatherings to neutral settings (restaurants, shelterhouses, etc).  This, coupled with the fact that my kids are getting older, really upped my discomfort of prayer.  It's one thing to be expected to be a respectful guest.  It's another thing for a prayer to be expected when we're all guests.  I've tried to head to the bathroom when the prayer circle is forming (they wait for me, plus the kids are still herded into the circle).  I've tried to lag behind.  But it never fails that we always end up in a circle.

I tried to stand quietly and just list in my head things I'm thankful for.  But that, honestly, not only made me feel fake but also bred resentment.  I don't like to feel fake.  I don't like to feel coerced.  I resent being in a circle listening to proselytizing while the food gets cold.  I tell my children to feel confident in who they are, to be proud of their beliefs, but I wasn't practicing what I 'preached'.  I don't like feeling like a hypocrite.  I also resent that these aren't just quick "Thanks for the food" blessings.  There are lots of "Jesus"'s and "Our Heavenly Father"'s and, you know, I'm hungry.  I have four kids.  The food is usually cold (not to mention picked over) by the time the Big Guy and I get to eat anyway.

I googled, trying to find out how other atheists handle this situation (after all, we know we're minorities).  There were inevitably some replies--a few from atheists but usually from Christians--that were very dismissive.  Be tolerant, they said.  If you don't believe in God, what harm does it do you to pray? It's not like you believe in one god but are praying to another.

The only way I can answer this is to say that *I* feel uncomfortable.  I feel like tolerance, especially with regards to religion, is a one-way street.  Tolerance would be, in my opinion, Christians choosing to pause and say a prayer while I quietly prepare my plate (or eat it, depending on the circumstances).  It would be intolerant of me to demand that nobody pray at family gatherings because I don't like it.  I don't want *anyone* to feel uncomfortable--myself included.

I thought that perhaps coming out as an atheist would help.  The Big Guy helpfully pointed out that maybe people don't realize I'm an atheist.  It's perfectly obvious to me, of course, but maybe my family's vision is just clouded with the assumption that they are religious, I was raised in a (quasi) religious household, that even though I don't attend church that doesn't mean I don't *believe*.  Fair enough.  Over time I've made it clear that I am not only atheist but really rather wary of religion.

But then...

Last month we went to a buffet style restaurant for an uncle's birthday.  The Big Guy had to work so I took the four kids and treated my mom as well.  I went and got Seryozha a plate of food and when I came back--they were praying.  All four kids, heads bowed, as another uncle lead the table in prayer.  I will not mention the gnashing of teeth if I were to tell the children in my family what I thought of religion (and I wouldn't.  It's disrespectful.  Again with the tolerance both ways thing--tolerance is not just me making concessions).

And that was the last straw.

I still don't know quite how to handle the awkward before-meal prayer (which has grown to overshadow the rest of the event) so instead, I will sit back and be thankful that there is no get together this year.